Family or Fame?

As I walked today, I told Jesus I didn’t want to poison anyone with my negativity. I want to contaminate them with His love. The song, Killing Me Softly, pierced my heart. I became emotional, thinking that my negative words could hurt someone.

My mind wanders off, and I see myself on stage playing out the story of my life, the one God wrote. I was with my family, and we were having dinner together. We are laughing and talking about the weather; Everyone seems so happy. We each helped clear the table and put the dishes in the sink. Seeing each of us engaged in conversation and enjoying ourselves was lovely. My heart was enthused with what I was witnessing.

During intercession, a man walks up to me and tells me how great I am at acting. Confused, I asked, “What are you talking about?” He interrupted me by sharing his ideas of using me in a film, which would be a great hit, especially with those eyes. He said he was looking for someone to play a part in a piece he was working on. I’m hearing all these things that made me feel, Wow! Finally, somebody noticed me. Somebody thinks I’m great. This guy’s filling up my love tank with Words of Affirmation (that’s a love language).

In a flash~I saw myself on a different stage, trying out for other parts. I didn’t feel comfortable, but I wanted to be noticed, acknowledged, encouraged, and known. (I was having an encounter with the enemy and didn’t know it)

Another flash~ I’m praying in Gethsemane with my hand on the cup. I didn’t want to let go, and that’s when I learned that the enemy had distracted me from my life. I was not living the story that God had written. My spiritual eyes opened up to the truth, yet I still didn’t want to let go of the cup. God said, “As long as your hand is on this cup, you will be led down a road that someone else paved.”

Another flash~ I’m in the desert. I’m standing on a cliff. If I jump, I can have and be anything I choose. My mind begins to flood with all the possibilities. I’m too scared to jump, but I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody’s everything.

Yet again, another flash~ I’m standing out of the boat on the water (like Peter). I asked Jesus, “How long have I been standing here?” Jesus answered, you climbed out of the boat many years ago, but you never stepped away from it.

Flash~ I’m on a dark stage. A light brightens over another location, and there is my family. Everything looks the same; I ask, do they know where I am? He answered, they never knew you.

It was then my emotions took over. I pleaded to be with my family. Why am I here? Why is this happening? The answer: Your ego has been overpowering your spirit. Your spirit is at war with the ego, which is leading you down a path that God did not prepare for you. When one’s spirit has the lead, the happily ever after becomes a truth. When one’s ego takes the lead, life becomes a struggle. I didn’t know what to say, which is shocking for those who know me.

I have struggled with many things in the last several years. God has been melting, molding, chipping away, carving out, heating up, shaping, sanding, ironing out, tweaking, and polishing my mind, heart, and soul. The scripture, He is the Potter; I am the clay, has been alive and active in my life.

Isaiah 67:8 New Living Translation

⁸ And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.
    We are the clay, and you are the Potter.
    We all are formed by your hand.